How to Fix Your Coffee Maker

by Matt

Presenting Problem: Coffee maker time reads incorrectly because the cockroach that has taken residence inside likes to stand on the red bars that compose the digits.

Solution:
Step 1: Unplug coffee maker, remove thermal carafe and clean all exposed surfaces.

Step 2: Examine bottom of coffee maker and discover that it has no visible fasteners whatsoever, except for two tabs on the base which latch into two holes on the upright housing. With a flathead screwdriver, gently unlock these tabs.

Step 3: Carefully scoop around the gap between housing and base to discover that somehow, somewhere, the base is still attached to the upright housing by something. After sufficient scooping, determine that the base is fastened to the upright housing by screws that are hidden behind the rubber “feet” of the base.

Step 4: While prying the rubber feet free in order to get at the deeply embedded screws, contemplate the fine line between elegant design and planned obsolescence. Plan in head a Facebook status update addressing this.

Step 5: Once rubber “feet” are pried out, discover that the heads of the screws are specially designed so as to require a specialized fork-like tool which, presumably, is not sold.

Step 6: Resolve debate begun in Step 5 vis. elegance and planned obsolescence. Finish final draft of Facebook status update.

Step 7: Once thwarted by inaccessible screws, attempt to seal the base back into its original relationship with the upright housing by snapping the tabs back into their holes. Discover that by a very subtle distortion of parts involved, this has been rendered impossible.

Step 8: After much gentle and persistent effort, find best case scenario configuration of upright housing and base. Return coffee maker to its original spot on the counter, and plug in.

Step 9: Wait 1-2 minutes before noticing that coffee maker has begun to smoke.

Step 10: Quickly unplug coffee maker. Revise original conclusion re: elegance vs. planned obsolescence according to new possibility that design is intended to prevent consumer from working on his appliances in order to save him from himself.

Step 11: As coffee maker continues to smoke, observe that cockroach, apparently in a panic, runs out of coffee maker followed by previously unseen little buddy.

Step 12: Switch to tea.

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